i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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