She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize