how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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