i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
