People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
