textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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