I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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