So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
