so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
