I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
