so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize