I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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