My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
