Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
