Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
