He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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