so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
