yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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