she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
