I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
