i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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