best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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