I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
