The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
