I love black thongs
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
