wat bout pragnant strippers??
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
