Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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