How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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