Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
A+ Viking dick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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