Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
