I can text with my tongue
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
