Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
