So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
