Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
