I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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