Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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