your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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