Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
