Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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