So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
