please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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