i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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