Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
