woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
