I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Holy sore nipples Batman
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
