11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Send help, water and tortillas.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
