I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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