why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
