The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
