Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
