sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wear drunk well.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
