Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize