I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
