Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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