idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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