he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
