I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
