cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
