even my farts smell like vagina
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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