eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
