I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
