I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize